


The Gang Gets Queer

by sleepykittyfuck



Category: It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Genre: Aids jokes, F slur, LGBT, Q slur, T slur, Trans Character, Trans Charlie Kelly, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:49:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21981679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepykittyfuck/pseuds/sleepykittyfuck
Summary: Charlie accidentally comes out as trans, and the rest of the gang end up coming out too.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 58





	The Gang Gets Queer

(The gang is sitting at the bar)

Mac: That is sooo homophobic, Frank! You can’t say that word anymore.

Frank: What? Faggot? But you say queer all the time! What’s the matter with faggot?

Mac: No that’s totally different! I’m Reclaiming queer!

Frank: Then why can’t I Reclaim faggot?

Mac: Because you’re not gay!

Charlie: Well what about me? Can I say tranny?

Dennis: You’re not trans just because you shit in a dress, Charlie.

Frank: Ain’t that what being a tranny is?

Charlie screeches: Phobic! Phobic! You can’t say that word! That’s genderphobic, Frank!

Dee: Do you mean transphobic?

Charlie: Oh yeah! You’d know, Dee!

Dee points at Charlie: Transphobic! Transphobic!

Charlie: I can’t be transphobic! I’m trans!

Dee and Dennis: What!?

Frank, looks up like he wasn’t paying attention: Huh, what’s goin on?

(Title: The Gang Gets Queer)

Charlie: Well yeah I uh — look! You don’t have to be all weird about it! It’s not a big deal or anything,, I’m just... yknow. 

Dennis: How have we never discussed this before? We’ve known each other since high school.

Charlie: Well.. I didn’t want you to know, yknow... In case you would be like.. genderphobic to me or something

Dee: transphobic...

Dennis: Mac, did you know about this?

Mac: I did know, yes.

Dennis: Why didn’t you ever say anything?

Mac: Uh, because that would be outing him which is totally not cool.

Frank: So what’s goin on? Does Charlie have a wiener or not?

Mac: Frank!

Charlie: Oh, I bet you’d love to know! Y-you know what, guys? I-I’m out of here. You’re being so Phobic!

(Charlie walks out and Mac chases after him)

Mac: Charlie, wait!

Frank: What the hell’s his problem? I just wanted to know if he has a dong or not. 

Dee: You can’t ask that, Frank! 

Dennis starts to leave: I’m gonna follow those guys. I have to get to the bottom of this... Queering of The Gang.

Dee: What the hell are you talking about?

Dennis: Well first Mac comes out as gay.. now Charlie’s a transsexual. What’s next? There’s just no room for a regular straight guy like myself anymore.

.....

(At charlie and franks house)

Mac: Come on, Charlie! Open up!

Charlie: Go away, Mac!

Mac: Just open the door! I wanna talk to you!

Charlie opens the door: What?

Mac: What’s going on with you, man?

Charlie: Oh, really? “Man”. You’re just rubbing it in now!

Mac: What are you talking about?

Charlie walks into the house: What? Old Charlie isn’t good enough for the gang anymore? He’s not a Real Man. Huh? 

Mac follows him in: Nobody’s saying any of that, Charlie..

Charlie: Goddamnit, Mac! I kept this a secret for-for like 100 years-

Mac: That’s not.. that math isn’t-

Charlie: and now it’s ruined! They’re not gonna treat me the same, mac! I know it!

Mac: I mean... franks probably gonna forget. Who the hell cares about Dee. And Dennis? He’s probably more worried about his own sexuality than whatever’s in your pants..

Dennis: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Mac spins around: Oh! Dennis! I didn’t know you were here!

Dennis walks past him: Head of security, my ass...

Mac: Yeah you’d probably .. like ... ass .. because you’re queer! 

Dennis: Mac, I don’t think you can reclaim a slur by using it to insult other people.

Charlie: What are you doing here, Dennis?

Dennis: I just came to see how you’re doing, Charlie. (Puts his hand on his shoulder) I know coming out can be really hard.

Charlie: What the hell are you talking about, man? You’re freaking me out.

Dennis: Oh? So, what? A straight man can’t come to support his transsexual friend in a room with his gay friend without it “freaking” someone out? Geez, Charlie, it’s 2019..

Charlie: Yeah uh... okay, dude. Just don’t touch me. (Pushes Dennis’s hand away) And don’t call me transsexual. Its not like ... the 1700s.

Mac: Again, I don’t think that’s right.

Dennis: Hey, hey.. listen, Charlie, I’m just trying to understand you. You know, as a straight man, things can be very confusing in this day and age. So many new terminologies. We just can’t say anything without getting bombarded with things like “transphobic” or “homophobic” or whatever the new thing is!

Charlie: Jesus!! I don’t care about that stuff! I just want you to treat me like—like a normal person!

Dennis: Okay! Alright! Then if you’re so “normal” ,, can you just answer a simple question? 

Charlie: .. what?

Dennis: What’s in your pants?

...

Dee: Jesus, Frank, I’m not going to explain this to you again.

Frank: I just wanna know what the hell he’s got hanging down there! I sleep in the same bed as him for God’s sakes!

Dee: Why the hell does that matter?

Frank: Well if he has a vagina, I don’t want something crawling out of it and bitin me!

Dee: What the hell are you talking about, Frank? That has never happened to anyone! 

Frank: Listen! Them queers have got some weird diseases! Back in the 80s they had AIDs! I don’t know what the hell is coming out of these new trannies!

Dee: Trans people aren’t a new thing, Frank. They’ve been around forever.

Frank: Yeah? Then how come I never seen any in pornos?

Dee: Oh there’s A Lot in pornos, Frank.

Frank: Ah! See? You’re phobic! You’re callin them trannies And whores!

Dee, leaving: oh Jesus... I-I’m going to see what the guys are doing. I can’t deal with you right now.

Frank: Nah, wait! I’ll come too! I wanna make sure Charlie’s not getting any AIDs on the bed!

...

Mac: You can’t ask that, Dennis!

Dennis: Well why the hell not? You can ask a straight man like me any question you’d like. But I ask one thing to him and suddenly I’m “transphobic”. 

Mac: Because it’s offensive!

Dennis: Offensive? How the hell is that offensive? If someone asked me that, I’d simply say “yes, sir, I have a cock, thank you very much.”

Mac: Because! Jesus, Dennis! Not everyone is you! You’re not trans! You just don’t get it!

Dennis: *I* don’t get it? And what makes you such an expert on what Charlie’s feeling?

Mac: Because he talks to me! And he’d never talk to you assholes because you’re such a dick about everything! Maybe if you took your head out of your ass, you could actually understand people better!

Dennis: Hey.. calm down, Mac. You don’t have to be so Dramatic.

Mac: Are you saying I’m dramatic because I’m gay?

Dennis: Psh, What? No, because you’re working yourself up like a Woman.

Mac: That’s it! I’m sick of you being phobic, Dennis! I get that you’re trying to make yourself seem straight or whatever! But you’re coming off as a total dick right now!

Dennis: Seem straight? I Am straight, Mac. 

Mac: Oh shut up with that bullshit, Dennis! You were literally on my dick last night!

Charlie: Woah.... uh...

Frank runs into the room: Charlie get away from the bed! I gotta check for AIDs! 

Dee walks in behind him: What up, boners? Oh— I didn’t mean like.. uh..

Charlie: Okay, why are you guys here now?

Frank, throwing pillows and blankets onto the floor: I gotta check for AIDS, Charlie! You were probably sloshing blood out your gash all over this place!

Charlie: Oh Jesus Christ, Frank...

Dee: Frank, you can’t say that!

Dennis: Oh I am so tired of - of Minorities telling us Proud straight men what we can and can’t say!

Mac: Dude, you are not straight!

Dennis: Oh! And what happened to Outing people being Problematic, mac? 

Mac: So you’re admitting it?

Dennis: Admitting what?

Mac: That you’re gay, dude!

Dennis: Oh I am not gay!!!

Mac: Then you’re a homophobe!

Dennis: No, I just—

Mac: What!?

Dennis: Listen if it’ll make you shut the hell up! Im not fucking gay! Im ... bi. 

Frank: What the hells that mean?

Dennis: I like men.. and women.

Frank: Well that ain’t queer. Everyone’s like that. Back in the 70s, everyone was banging everyone!

Dennis: That most certainly is not how Everyone is, Frank.

Dee: It isn’t? I thought everyone kinda... swung both ways.

Mac: Oh that is so homophobic, Dee.

Charlie: I don’t really... like anyone most of time. Except the waitress.

Frank: What the hells that mean?

Charlie: I think it’s called green ace or something. Like I don’t really like.. banging or whatever.

Frank: But Dee said trannies are sex freaks!

Dee: I did not, Frank!

Dennis: Well... if Charlie’s asexual.. and trans... and Mac’s gay... and the rest of us are bi... I guess we’re all kind of queer.

Frank: Yeah! So we can say faggot!!!

Mac: It’s still a slur, Frank! You can’t just—

(Everyone starts arguing and yelling over each other)


End file.
